“Pardon one another so that later on you will not remember the injury. The recollection of an injury is…a rusty arrow and poison for the soul.” — St. Francis of Paola
In her powerful book, Left to Tell, Immaculee Ilibagiza recounts her amazing survival story amid the horrific 1994 Rwandan genocide. When the genocide began, her father, desiring to protect her, sent her to the home of a friend, a Protestant pastor. The pastor hid Immaculee along with six other women in a tiny bathroom. There they remained for 91 days until it was safe to leave.
Immaculee recounts the horror of those three months, including the murder of her family (except one brother). But she also shares her journey of faith and forgiveness, for it was in that crammed space where she came to know the Lord’s presence, love, and forgiveness in a life-changing way.
After the genocide, Immaculee returned to her village. While there, she went to a prison and visited the man who was responsible for the killing of her family. When she met him she reached out, touched his hand, looked him in the eye and said, “I forgive you.” He broke down in tears.
Forgiveness. It is such a struggle for so many people. I hear it all the time: “How can I forgive this person for hurting me? I can’t let go of the pain. I can’t forgive.” And it’s true: on our own power we can’t forgive. We, like Immaculee, need God’s help.
And while forgiveness is one of the most difficult things for us to do, it is also one of the most liberating. Think about it: refusing to forgive hurts us more than it hurts the person we are unwilling to forgive. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that spreads in us, an acid that eats away at our heart.
Refusing to forgive causes deep emotional pain; refusing to forgive leads to deeper sadness and anger in our own lives. The liberating benefits of forgiveness far outweigh the false sense of power we feel when we deny forgiveness to those who have hurt us.
So how can we forgive? We must imitate Jesus. On the cross Jesus forgave His executioners, but He also forgave us, when He prayed: “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). It was as if He were making an excuse for us. Why? Because He had compassion on us. He knew our weaknesses, our wounds, our sins, and our pain.
Immaculee spent much time meditating on those words of Jesus, “Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.” As a result, her unforgiveness was transformed into compassion for those who had committed such atrocities.
We, too, ought to have compassion on those who have hurt us. What do I mean? When people hurt us, it is normally because they are dealing with their own wounds and pain. The origin of their hurtful actions is their wounded and unhealed heart. We can practice having compassion on them like Jesus had compassion on us.
The Lord loves each one of us, including those who have hurt us. We need to pray to see with His eyes, to love with His heart, and to share in His compassion.
So how can you begin to forgive those who have hurt you and thus experience peace and liberation? Here is an exercise that you may find helpful:
- Find a quiet space and take time to meditate upon Jesus crucified. You might even want to hold a crucifix. Think of the pain He was experiencing out of love for us, out of love for you.
- Next, spend time meditating on His words: “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” Contemplate that Jesus forgave His executioners, but He also forgave you and me because it was our sins that led Him to the cross.
- Now consider the person you are struggling to forgive, and realize that when Jesus spoke those words He was also extending his compassion and forgiveness to this person.
- Even though you might experience negative emotions toward this person as you pray, ask Jesus to give you compassion for this person. Realize that this person has deep wounds and pain that need healing, and that their actions that caused your pain came from those deep wounds and pain.
- Pray for this person’s healing.
You don’t need to be close with this person again. You don’t need to reestablish a relationship with them. That could cause you more harm. But you and I do need to forgive so that we can be free.
I invite you to comment and share your thoughts on forgiveness.
If you like this post, please share it on Twitter or on these other sites:
I have blogged about forgiveness before – twice since last October: http://nickisnook.net/2009/10/27/forgiveness/ and http://nickisnook.net/2010/01/31/apologies/
I do believe that without God’s help forgiveness is difficult. I also think, that as humans, we may find forgiveness easier than forgetting the actual transgression. Both must be done to make a person whole again.
Nicki,
Great to see you here, as always. Thanks for sharing your posts on forgiveness. “Forgive and forget” sounds trite, but it’s true. If we dwell on the hurt, it’s harder for us to forgive.
Good luck in the half marathon!
Peace!
Thanks, Father! Hopefully, the half doesn’t get rained out. Flood warnings all over here.
Such beautiful words Fr Mike. I once remember reading this “To err is human, to forgive is divine”. Do you recall who said this? For the life of me, I cannot. But this made me realize that the ability to forgive is a grace from God, and as you said, only with His help can we take that step. At a particular time in my life I was deeply hurt by someone’s actions. (although never to the degree that Immaculee experienced – her forgiveness is truly heroic) But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could have been capable of doing the same thing anytime, if I lived a life distanced from God, the Church, and the Sacraments. This changed my frame of mind and allowed me to forgive this person, even thought they never really asked for an apology of sorts. And then, as you said, came freedom. Freedom from pain, from negative thoughts, freedom from our own selfish attitudes.
Michelle,
I actually don’t know who said those words. Although I probably should! Thanks for sharing your experience of forgiveness. So, true, we are capable of hurting others. “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” How great to be freed from the pain and negative thoughts.
As always, thanks for reading!
Peace!
Very touching and true Father. This reminds of people who are rude and nasty to others. It is true that they hold an anger they are venting and that it originates really from pain somewhere. I always think of these mean people or people with profound road rage. How sad it must be to go about your days so angry and pent up. It is much more liberating to accept what is and enjoy the blessed moments God sends us. Very good blog Father.
Shannan,
When we see people with anger (e.g. road rage), it is helpful for us to have compassion in our hearts, even though our initial reaction may be to get angry back at them! These people are dealing with pain, frustration, and hurt in their own lives…even if it’s just at that moment. It’s helpful for us to pray for them.
Thanks for reading.
Peace!
Your last words I found particularly helpful.
” You don’t need to be close with this person again. You don’t need to reestablish a relationship with them. That could cause you more harm. But you and I do need to forgive so that we can be free.” I have a friend that I have been very close to for about 17 years and she is not in a good place right now in her life and so transfers that pain and hurts me with her words and actions. I keep forgiving her but I have struggled with whether it is okay not to put myself out there when I know she is going to continue hurting me. I guess I have to accept time apart right now is best and do the only thing I can, pray for her. Thank you for the gift of your blog, as always it was just what I needed to hear. God bless!
Christine,
Thanks for reading. There’s a difference between forgiving and throwing ourselves back into the lion’s den. We can forgive, but it doesn’t mean we need to be close to people who are going to hurt us over and over. We do need to pray for them because they obviously are dealing with a lot of pain.
Peace!
2 people, especially one in particular over the past 5 years have hurt me time and time again. I finally decided to do something about it. I not only reported their action & treatment towards me to the employers, but also to the union. I did this when I was very angry. Now there is going to be a formal meeting. I was very hurt and angry because they have repeatedly caused me pain because of their harrassment/bullying/descrimination. I have asked God to help me to orgive them, even though I keep oscillating between hurt and anger, but I know the right thing is to forgive them. I know with God’s help I can do this. I think I am not angry with them anymore, but what do I do about the formal meeting? My main concern now is that if I stop this meeting, are they going to think they have got away with it & do it to someone else, or will they see me as being a weak person, and do it to me again?